Carolien Roodvoets (62), a seasoned family and relationship therapist, has authored five books, including The Attraction of the Wrong Men: The Monster Covenant. In the September issue of Santé, she addressed the question: "Why do women fall for the wrong men?"
Carolien Roodvoets: "While exact statistics are unavailable, in my clinical practice, I frequently counsel women trapped in unhealthy relationships with unsuitable partners. They recognize the toxicity but cling to hope that their partner will change. Confusion sets in—perhaps it's their fault? These men often gaslight them, insisting they're the problem."
"A common thread among these women is profoundly low self-esteem, often stemming from childhood. I'd estimate 80-90% have strained or absent relationships with their father—or sometimes mother—involving issues like alcohol abuse or violence. They weren't taught to assert themselves or supported in leaving toxic dynamics. Without a strong sense of self-worth, they attract exploitative partners. Some are drawn to the thrill these men provide; others seek to 'save' them, believing in their hidden goodness. Power imbalances or financial dependencies can trap them further. Repeated exposure to abuse erodes confidence, making manipulation easier."
"Problematic partners come in various forms: narcissists, psychopaths, addicts, abusers, the jealous, possessive, controlling, or emotionally distant. They span all education levels and appeal to diverse women. Core traits include manipulation, unreliability, jealousy, self-centeredness, poor communication, and a taker mentality. Escaping requires professional therapy to uncover patterns and clarify true relationship needs."
Also read this Q&A: 'What determines your pain threshold?'
Image: Getty Images, source: Santé September, text: Maike Abma
